“I sleep next to a man I no longer know,” says Nora (not her real name). “We used to talk for hours and get intimate so often. Now, weeks go by without an intentional touch or sexual contact, and sometimes I feel like a ghost around him.”
Across living rooms, quiet bedrooms, church pews, and more recently, social media in Cameroon, a growing number of women are whispering about something they were raised never to mention: sex in marriage, or rather, the painful absence of it. Many say they are “dying in silence” as their husbands lose interest in intimacy or fail to match expectations when they try.
Even for those who still have sex, many describe it as the bare minimum, quick, routine, and devoid of passion. The spark that once defined their earlier nights as a couple has been replaced by duty, void of the playful moments, the curiosity, and the effort to please. Several women say that after many years of marriage, their partners no longer explore their bodies or respond to their needs, reducing intimacy to a brief act meant to “fulfil righteousness.”
“He does it just to tick a box,” one woman says. “There’s no connection, no excitement. Sometimes I just lie still and wait for it to end.”
What used to be an expression of love has, for some, become a quiet reminder of how far they have drifted. “He just wants me to lie there or turn over, and then he sleeps when done. Sometimes I wonder if I’m still a woman to him,” says Miriam*, a 38-year-old mother of four. “When I talk about us trying new things, he says I watch too many Nigerian movies.”
Mental wellness expert, Nguty Stella Etoh-Nombo notes that generally, fading sexual interest by men in long-term relationships often stems from a combination of psychological, emotional, and relational factors.
“Stress, financial pressures, unresolved conflict, and emotional disconnection are major contributors to why men lose their capacity for sexual interest in relationships,” she says, adding that “When men feel emotionally unseen, constantly criticised, or burdened by performance expectations, their sexual drive naturally declines.”
Acknowledging the presence of biological factors, Stella reveals that lifestyle choices often play a bigger role: “Of course, men can have mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and lifestyle factors. These could include poor sleep, alcohol use or abuse, and lack of exercise.”
With these, what begins as tenderness in the early years of marriage often fades into routine, indifference, or frustration. But whatever the reason, be it biological or social, the result is the same: empty beds and unmet needs.
In marriage, three is company, two is none
While communication has always been known to be the bedrock of every flourishing relationship, sexual expectations and challenges seem to remain relegated to the background. In a society where women are taught that endurance is a virtue, few dare to speak openly about sexual dissatisfaction. To many, complaining about their husband’s performance is both taboo and disrespectful. The few who try to speak up are met with disdain, disregard, or are called out by their partners.
“I can go three, four months without him touching me,” says another woman, who has been married for 15 years. “If I try to talk, he says he’s tired or stressed. But I also work. I’m tired too and need his touch to feel alive.” Like many other women, she is forced to endure. Yet, behind the veil of endurance lies deep pain of frustration, loneliness, and even resentment.
Psychologist Shannon McHugh situates this as a catalyst for multiple issues that can ultimately lead to the termination of a union. “While sex is not the most defining factor in relationship happiness, sex and intimacy missing in your marriage can lead to serious relationship issues like anger, infidelity, communication breakdown, lack of self-esteem, and isolation – all of which can ultimately lead to irreparable damage to the relationship, ending in divorce,” she says.
Even in cases where divorce is not an option, the silence is still far from harmless. Women say it eats away at their confidence, their moods, and sometimes their sense of worth. What begins as a private frustration slowly becomes emotional distance.
“When you feel unwanted for too long, you stop trying,” confesses a Yaounde-based teacher who opted to remain anonymous. “Now, I just play my role as a wife. I cook, clean, and smile in public. But inside, my fidelity and commitment to stick to my partner sometimes feel like it hangs by a thread.”
Stella affirms this as one of many possible downsides of women being left unsatisfied sexually by their husbands. “This emotional isolation,” the Mental Health Therapist explains, “can evolve into resentment, self-doubt, anxiety, and depressive symptoms over time. In my practice, I often see women who still function as good wives and mothers but feel emotionally starved and begin to detach themselves from the relationship or partner or seek external validation through different ways.”
Opening up to The Guardian Post, some women note that they are not asking for perfection as they understand the constraints at work. Rather, they want effort, affection and attention.
“When I got married, we used to pray and laugh before bed,” recalls Anita*, married for seven years. “Now he scrolls on his phone until he sleeps. I just turn to my side and wish it was different.”
In homes where communication has broken down, some women have sought counseling from trusted friends, colleagues and in some instances, counselors. Others quietly resort to prayer, tears, distraction, or in rare cases, affairs born not of lust but of hunger for affection as coping mechanisms.
Sharing everything but themselves
Even some men, when asked privately, admit their sexual habits since marriage have changed or dropped. “Sometimes it’s not about her,” says one, who requested anonymity. “When life keeps hitting you, you lose drive. But you can’t say that. You just shut down.”
Yet that shutdown has left many marriages hanging by invisible threads, consisting of people living together but not connecting, sharing bills, kids, and responsibilities but not themselves. This is compounded by the fact that society shuns men who tend to open up about their feelings and thoughts.
“In Cameroon, men are not socialised to discuss vulnerability or emotional exhaustion… These issues quietly build up until desire or performance falters, and loss of interest sometimes is the mind’s way of signaling emotional burnout or unmet intimacy needs,” explains Mental wellness expert, Stella.
Many women on their part, indicate willingness to speak up and work towards solution with their partners, to keep ‘oiling the engine.’ But it is a move easier said than done.
“Sexual silence is deeply cultural in this part of the world. Many of us were raised to see sex as shameful or purely functional – just to get children. The key is to reframe sex as a language of love, not sin or scandal. Couples should start with curiosity, not confrontation,” Stella explains.
Achieving openness and convenience in addressing this, she notes, warrants that couples “start normalising the conversation by linking it to wellness, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, then it can be mainstreamed. Seek guidance from sex or mental health therapists or clergy who are non-judgmental and proactive, so the dialogue is grounded in safety and respect.”
“Sexual intimacy is not something couples lose. It is something they must continuously nurture as life evolves.”
Intentional emotional repair is the answer.
After many years of marriage and continuously fading intimacy, many women say they unwillingly accept the fate handed to them by their partners and society.
“I still wear my ring,” says Miriam softly, “but these days, it feels like decoration.”
Sticking to her vow – for better for worse, – Nora says she still wears her wedding ring not as a symbol of love, but of the promise she keeps hoping to feel again. “Maybe one day he will ask how I am really doing,” she whispers. “Until then, I will keep pretending.”
In a country where divorce remains frowned upon and therapy is a privilege, women like Miriam and Nora continue to perform normalcy, smiling in public, hosting family gatherings, attending church and other social gatherings, but dying of an intimacy drought. Experts say that behind many of these struggles lies a communication breakdown, as over time, couples who no longer talk about what hurts, what excites, or what has changed.
Stalla explains that rebuilding this intimacy requires intentional emotional repair before physical connection can thrive again. “I recommend that couples start with open conversations, not accusations. Let them learn to say, ‘I miss our closeness’ instead of ‘You don’t touch me anymore.’”.
Engaging in non sexual touch, she notes, can work too. From holding hands to giving each other gentle massages is a safe way to restore a sense of warmth and safety to their partner. “They could also set aside emotional check-ins to talk about stress, needs, affection, and the health of their relationship… and seek couple therapy not because there is a crisis. Sometimes, you seek therapy because you want to just get healthy skills to keep your marriage working.”
By Giyo Ndzi & Chi Emeh *
This article was first published in The Guardian Post Sunday newspaper Issue No. 3606 (26/10/2025)